right then.. so the past few days have been the sux0r.

shortly after writing the last entry i caught up with monica online..

the conversation was short . as predicted. and i asked her why it always was like that.

she got offended.
i got offended.

and that's that.

.,...........
and whoever is leaving dumb remarks on my board.. most likely sara.

should stop. or i will either remove the board. or just stop this journal entirely and move to another one.

asshole.
...

i can't wait till college.

my friends here have either moved on.
or made it clear that i was misinterpreting ... .. .

... doctors appointment again tommorrow.

i fuckin hate doctors.
-M@

.. wonderful..

so here i am agin. trying to write down the sparse and different thoughts i always have during the van rides to and from places.

but when i sit here. it never has the same effect.

so. yea.
i got a 4 on the APs

i called steve. he got a 4.

thought about calling monica. seeing what she got. but i figured that it would be about a 3 minute long and highly awkward conversation consisting of dialoge that would be something like the following:

"hey"
"hey"
"i just called to see what you got on the ap tests"
"oh yea. i just got mine in. i got a 4 on the language, isn't that great?"
"wonderful. i got a 4 on mine too. "
"that's nice. "

"um"

"oh hey. i got to go. my sister needs help/ i'm eating/ my house is burning / i'm curing cancer/ i'm tired of hearing your voice"

.....
so yea. you can clearly tell that i've given some thought to the matter and decided against it.

i've been reading a little of norms journal. and i see lots of things that i feel. it's kinda creepy / nice.

so yea.

i got this cool back to the future shirt today.
it's cool.
and blue.

enough for now.
later.

so yea.. i'm up at again.. it's 12..

i'll probably be up untill at least 130.

just because.

.......
i hate reading all my chuck friend journals. because i always feel shitty after reading them.. christina went out and had a good time last night. marc saw spiderman with his girlfriends. chris got drunk. annalise got drunk. .. fuck this.

-------------

i want what everyone else has.

.. is that too much to ask for. ?

maybe just a little.
not all the wild parties and stuff.

the little things. the freedoms. the friends. the girlfriends. the cars. the motorcycles. the looks. the health. the luck.

the luck.

the luck.

the leisure.

... or at least you could have the decency to leave me alone.

or just to call and chat.

depending on who you are..

i still havn't woken up. i'm still asleep.
afraid of the waking, afraid there is no waking. every waking moment.

enough caufield shit.
-M@

just got up.. and it's 1020.

man i love summer.

h'okay so. i went to the orientation for ucf on the 12th and the 13th . it's going to be an okay schooll . as long as i avoid the people doing the orientation.. which was probably half of the male cheerleading squad paired with one girl from each sorority.

seriously. they were all that annoying.

and dumb


i like pizza.
i am eating pizza.

i am going to go now.. to eat pizza.

-M@

scary. huh? 

made this today.. thought it was funny.. i want to put it on a t shirt.. and wear it. 

this is the only pixture that i have with steve. i think .. i took it at graduation.. and it was blurry.  

so.. everything is wrong. .. again.

got home from work about 147 in the morning.
and i hate it.

tried to watch some of the fireworks .. but i couldn't really make much of it out from sonic ..

called mon. .. ..

i hope that she dosn't like talking on the phone.

because its either that.

or its that she dosn't like talking to me.

and i'd like to know which one it is.

so i can either continue . or not waste my time.. ..

enough of that whiny talk about girls.. lets get into a subject that really gets me whiny.

my van.

why??!?!

i want a motorcycle dammit. something else.

i deserve that.. and a whole hell of a lot more than anyone will recognize.

mainly .. my family.

underappreciated is a state of being now. i think.

and ..
so on.

----------------------------------

i'm angry.
like holden..

only. i don't search for the truth.. i say.. there is no truth. we are all liers.

i lie to myself. and say. matt. it's getting better.. it's getting better all the time matt.

and it isn't .

and you lie to yourself and say. it's getting better. when in reality. it's always getting worse.

and we try to cling to some thought or memory of someone we had. and it dissolves. or we run to some substance.. and it leaves us worse off than we were.

were so caught up in the game of running. ..

i'm running so fast. that i can't see right.

but what are we running from..

the way we want to be.
.

-----------------------------------

damn. i want to go party .

get drunk for once...
not care for a while. ..

anything but this. ..

... and how's it going to end?
am i going to write entry after entry like this?

is there a resolution to my search for meaning.
or my search for peace.

am i even looking?

can it be found?..

-------------------------------------
i hate having to write entries like this. I always get replies like

"are you okay:?? "
or

"matt you sound depressed"

if you want to say something.. say something constructive for a change.
fed up.
-M@

yea.. her 

my sister. the wild one. and a messy party 

this is mama she lives in guatemala. I thought that someone might want to know what she looks like. The man in the picture is jonatin. We stayed at his house while we were there. more pix after katies party tonight 

this is a test photo for my blog.. mmkay? 

did it work? ? ?

hmm.. today... today was.. .

or .. rather.. still is.

a good day.


had fun with monica.. found a cool coffie shop (sp?) and got email from anne and betty. betty is cool..

no.. seriously.

so anyway.

i want to go out again with monica.
I enjoy talking with her.. which is more than i can say for over half of the people that are in my life..

when was the last time i sat down with my sister and had an enjoyable conversation..

hmm..

at least a year. at least.

wishing that i had a tag board for yall to post on..

i'll work on that.


mmkay?

l8r
-M@