so.. everything is wrong. .. again.

got home from work about 147 in the morning.
and i hate it.

tried to watch some of the fireworks .. but i couldn't really make much of it out from sonic ..

called mon. .. ..

i hope that she dosn't like talking on the phone.

because its either that.

or its that she dosn't like talking to me.

and i'd like to know which one it is.

so i can either continue . or not waste my time.. ..

enough of that whiny talk about girls.. lets get into a subject that really gets me whiny.

my van.

why??!?!

i want a motorcycle dammit. something else.

i deserve that.. and a whole hell of a lot more than anyone will recognize.

mainly .. my family.

underappreciated is a state of being now. i think.

and ..
so on.

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i'm angry.
like holden..

only. i don't search for the truth.. i say.. there is no truth. we are all liers.

i lie to myself. and say. matt. it's getting better.. it's getting better all the time matt.

and it isn't .

and you lie to yourself and say. it's getting better. when in reality. it's always getting worse.

and we try to cling to some thought or memory of someone we had. and it dissolves. or we run to some substance.. and it leaves us worse off than we were.

were so caught up in the game of running. ..

i'm running so fast. that i can't see right.

but what are we running from..

the way we want to be.
.

-----------------------------------

damn. i want to go party .

get drunk for once...
not care for a while. ..

anything but this. ..

... and how's it going to end?
am i going to write entry after entry like this?

is there a resolution to my search for meaning.
or my search for peace.

am i even looking?

can it be found?..

-------------------------------------
i hate having to write entries like this. I always get replies like

"are you okay:?? "
or

"matt you sound depressed"

if you want to say something.. say something constructive for a change.
fed up.
-M@